The recent spate of "funny" doctors' names forces me to publish this test that all of you must pass to remain on dl.humor. If you do not garner a passing score, you will be automatically purged from the dlist.
Good luck to most of you. To those of you who think these names are actually funny, I know you will fail to qualify, and I can look forward to a JUNKMAIL folder with less deadwood.
Answer all questions. Time limit: 20 minutes. Choose your favorite answer for multiple choice questions.
1. How many <ethnics> does it take to change a lightbulb?
a. Four, one to change it and three to fuck it up b. One. And you think <ethnics> are stupid? c. HAW HAW HAW SIXTEEN THEY'RE ALL HAVING SEX WITH A DONKEY HAW HAW d. Two, one to change the bulb, and one to hold the ladder
2. You see a really racist joke directed at a specific ethnic group. You immediately:
a. Forward the message to HR and that person's manager b. Reply to that person and suggest they not name the group when sending jokes c. Follow up with a ruder one about the same group d. Make a snide comment about bigots
3. Which of the following is the funniest?
a. You can beat your wife but you can't beat a blow job b. Hire the one with the biggest tits c. The Little Yellow River by I.P. Daily d. DL.HUMOR Entrance Exam by Maddi Hausmann
4-7 Each of the following paragraphs is an example of either (a) satire, (b) irony, (c) parody, or (d) reality. Identify them properly.
4. WHY DO WOMAN'S GENTITLES SMELL SO BAD? BECAUSE IF THAY DINT WE'D NEVER HAVE TIME TO DRINK BEER!!! HAW HAW HAW.
5. Since the quality of submissions to dl.humor has been dropping like a skydiver with a tangled parachute, from now on all messages must pass a screening committee, to be made up of John Lemon, Joe Cassavaugh, and Dave Kirby. Those people sending more than three jokes that are not actually funny will be removed from the humor distribution list for wasting Tandem resources. It has been scientifically proven that reading "humor" that is not humorous makes people less productive. Bob Marshall has required that this stop immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.
6. Funny Doctors Names! It's true! I had a doctor named Dr. No!
7. Effective immediately, the OSI project will be terminated. There are over 80 users on this project, and their compiles and tests have been interfering with the effective delivery of HUMOR messages. Those on the project have thirty days to either find other jobs or be terminated. In these cost-cutting days, priorities must be set, and clearly the need of 1600 members of the HUMOR list must supersede that of a fairly pointless software project.
8. Which of the following authors is your favorite?
a. Erma Bombeck b. Joe Bob Briggs c. Dave Barry d. Craig Breighner
9. Jokes are funniest when:
a. A lot of similar ones are told all at once, so you can keep refining them b. THEY ARE TYPED IN CAPITAL LETTERS SO YOU HEAR THEM BETTER c. They are not expected d. They are explained so you don't get confused
10. As a member of the HUMOR sig, I believe it is my duty to:
a. Reply to the entire list to let each and every member know when their jokes make my day b. Send every joke I ever heard from fourth grade, because if it was funny then, it must be hilarious now c. Send jokes that someone else just sent, because it was so funny I want to spread the joy around again d. Write parodies of official Tandem memos
11. If the jokes on HUMOR do not amuse me I should:
a. Send a message to the entire sig asking to resign b. Write a parody of a message to the entire sig asking to resign and then get all bent out of shape when no one recognizes it was a joke c. Write a long, scholarly treatise on how these jokes miss the mark d. Send in slightly altered versions of the jokes to see if they work better
12. A Tandem sales rep, an IBM sales rep, and a DEC sales rep are stuck on a desert island. Which is the best way to end this joke?
a. The IBM rep drowns trying to <deleted> the DEC rep b. The Tandem rep finds a way off the island without the other two knowing. c. The Tandem rep sells $3 million worth of orders to the other two while they await rescue d. I'm pretty happy seeing as many sales reps stuck on desert islands as possible
13. The problem with most jokes about lawyers is that
a. They usually are not about sex b. They aren't long enough c. They are fundamentally statements that lawyers cannot be trusted d. They are true
14. The reason to put a ``WARNING F6 IF YOU DON'T LIKE JOKES ABOUT ...'' message before a joke is
a. So people who would otherwise complain to HR won't read the joke b. To alert those who love really salacious stuff that a good one is coming c. Because everyone else is doing it d. Because the warning is probably funnier than the joke
15. Why do some people send in jokes typed in all capital letters?
a. THEY ARE LAZY AND HAVE EVERY RIGHT TOO b. SO YOU CAN READ THEM FASTER c. BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET IN YOUR FACE EVEN BY MAIL d. THEY HAVEN'T FOUND THE CAPS LOCK KEY YET
16. An engineer, a physicist, a math major, and a psychologist were caught in a burning building. Which one got out alive?
a. The psychologist, he knew it was all in his head b. The engineer, he knew the building was a firetrap c. The math major, he saw this joke was derivative d. The physicist, he knew hot air rises, just like most of the jokes sent to dl.humor
SCORING: Get Real
IF YOUR SCORE IS NEGATIVE, YOU ARE OFF THE SIG!!!!!! thank gawd.