Adventures in the Forbidden Zone #121 Copyright (c) 1991 Patrick D. Scannell EMPLOYEE RELATIVE VALUE RANKING INPUT FORM NAME: Pragma Q. Paige DATE: day of reckoning In order to best participate in the RVR process your input is essential. This information will be used to remind your manager who you are and exactly what it is you do around here, anyway. If anything. It will also be a black mark on your permanent record. A. Criteria (yes, Virginia, there are Criteria) Job Performance (performance against goals/job expectations) During the past year, what have been your key achievements and/or accomplishments against goals? In favor of goals? I'm not sure what you mean by "key." I found the key to my filing cabinet. Is that what you had in mind? What goals remain unmet and why? Failed to get laid off. Again. I guess I don't live right. Failed to make V.P. of Engineering. No vacancies this year. (At least, that's what they told me.) Forgot to have person or persons who concocted this form assassinated. I'll make a note of it, though. Value of Skills (breadth, depth and criticality) What are your most important skills? Why do you consider them key? C and UNIX programming skills. Because everybody else does. Protective Coloration C Patience UNIX High Pain Threshold UNIX and C Sense of Humor (Helps to keep my coworkers sane, which in turn makes me more productive by keeping the screaming and sobbing to a minimum.) UNIX or C Ability to invent useful-sounding names for useless skills. Did I mention C xor UNIX? What training, reading or job assignments have expanded your skills? I attended training classes in our excellent Inspection Process and our exciting Software Engineering Process Architecture, thus expanding my Inspection skills and my Adhering to SEPA skills. I also read the ISO 9001 Quality Manual, thus enhancing my Not Being The One Who Screws Up Our ISO 9000 Certification And Loses His Job skills. What were the key or changed skill requirements requested of you over the past year? I had to develop new organizational and decision- making skills to cope with a plethora of satirical targets far beyond the energy and ability of any mere mortal. Potential for Broader Contribution (ability to manage more resources, handle critical projects, move into other functions, move up one or more levels, and relocate) I'm ready to move up to Vice President of Engineering any time now. Everybody says so. If I have to relocate to the fifth floor, so be it. List the assignments, work teams and/or projects in which you participated or took a leadership role. Describe your contribution. I get it. This is a trick question. You're going to compare this list with the "Accomplishments For/Against Goals" section I already filled in and see if they match up. Well, the joke's on you, because I left them both blank. In what ways did you do things or contribute differently in your current job over the past year? All jokes are now FDA inspected, have the Good Horsekeeping Seal of Approval, and read the same backwards as forward. Bull Values (risk taking, team player, respect for people, customer orientation, receptivity to change, results orientation, and "can do" behaviours to name a few) Risk taking: Just staying around here is more risk than most people can handle. Respect for people: You stupid twit! You've got a lot of nerve questioning my respect for people! Receptivity to change: I've written code on 93 projects using seventeen programming languages on twelve operating systems running on nine hardware platforms. Meanwhile I've been through 507 reorganizations under seven different company names. All without changing offices. And survived. "Can do" attitude: I had one until I started filling out this damned form! "Can Do" attitude: I'm not sure if I have this, but I can get it. What have you done that demonstrates these values? As a CIP project I implemented Bull values under MS Windows, using the tools provided by Affinity. This implementation was demonstrated for a number of people in the Mission group. In what circumstances have others recognized you for these values? Let's face it, I am the living embodiment of Bull values. You can't swing a cat around this place without hitting someone who's said four or five times, "Pragma? He's a risk taker, but he's a team player. And boy, does he have respect for people!" "Yes, that's true. It's so surprising in someone so results oriented." "Yeah, but he's just that kind of 'can do' guy." B. Development What are your short (next 12 months) and long (12+ months) term career interests? What support do you need to achieve them? Short term: VP of Engineering. Support needed: not getting fired or laid off, and of course our current V.P. getting on the stick and getting promoted. Long term: President of the United States Support needed: a tremendous write-in campaign and a viable Vice Presidential candidate.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)