Some of the jokes being sent to topical@looking regarding the Dahmer killings
A neighbor comes over and asks to borrow some lettuce. Response: "Look in the fridge, I'm sure there must be a head in there somewhere."
MILWAUKEE (UPI)--Law enforcement officials report an ongoing investigation into leads linking mass murder suspect Jeffrey Dahmer with dozens of unsolved incidents in a score of countries and several historical periods.
"This case is turning into one of those Russian dolls that you just keep finding more dolls inside," says Marshall Perkins, a Milwaukee Police Department detective. "It's not just Wisconsin and Germany. Apparently Dahmer really got around."
State Department officials visiting Vietnam in quest of information concerning American MIAs confirm that Vietnamese authorities suspect Dahmer may be the key to the whereabouts of dozens of missing servicemen. "Yes, of course we had American prisoners in the 1970s," said Nguyen Gap, mayor of the provincial town of Dong Hoi in northern Vietnam. "Then, about 1980, an American with special papers came through, and we never saw the prisoners again." But farmers outside Dong Hoi reported discovering human body parts in rice fields during the months that followed. Army officials in Washington would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Dahmer left Germany for Southeast Asia on special assignment during his military service eleven years ago.
Cattle ranchers in Montana believe Dahmer may be the missing piece to the bizarre jigsaw puzzle of livestock deaths that splashed across tabloid newspapers in the early 1980s, when a number of steers were discovered dead on the range, their throats slit and their bodies often mutilated. While ranchers blamed everything from Satanists to space aliens, Milwaukee sources confirm that Dahmer has admitted to murdering the steers during two summers he spent working as a janitor in Yellowstone National Park. "He'd go off on the weekends in his pickup and look for strays," said an informant from the District Attorney's office. "He'd lure them with alfalfa, hit them with a tranquilizer dart, and cut their throat with a Bowie knife."
Two co-workers at the Old Faithful Inn yesterday recalled finding several bloody, hastily wrapped beef hearts in one of the kitchen refrigerators there. "Dahmer told us he'd made a run to a butcher shop down in Jackson, but we always kind of wondered," said Harry Strassen, 34. "Now we know."
Milwaukee officials have installed a special phone line to handle dozens of inquiries pouring into City Hall from all over the globe. "It's unbelievable. Voodoo killings in Haiti, necklacings in South Africa, crop circles in England," says Patti Sherlock, 23, administrative assistant at City Hall. "If there were a Nobel Prize for mass murder this guy would get it."
"Actually," she mused, "I can kind of sleep easier now, knowing that so much of all these scary things goes back to one guy. And he's locked up. I hope they throw away the key."
Here are some excerpts from a conversation I had about the Milwaukee cannibal...
Did you know the Milwaukee cannibal was let out on bail today? I heard it cost him an arm and a leg.
Apparently he told the police he used to work in a candy factory... Imagine that! I'll never eat Hershey again. And when questioned by the police as to why he did it, he apparently said: "Sometimes you feel nutty. Sometimes you don't!"
He's believed to have killed people while he was in Germany... guess he took the "Get a taste of Europe tour" too literally.
Know why Jeffrey Dahmer didn't eat clowns?
They taste funny.
They've added a new charge to those against Jeffrey Dahmer after investigating his European contacts more closely.
Selling arms to the Iraqis.
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