Leading Buddhists today condemned the recent rise of many heretical versions of their faith; most of these have beliefs and customs strangely at variance with the more orthodox forms of Buddhism. For example, the Nuddhists believe that Enlightenment is a state of being whereby believers take off all their clothes in public without shame (e.g. in lectures, bus queues, and shops). One form of this is Zen Nuddhism, which involves the study of mystic koans, most of which end up with the disciples taking their clothes off and going out for a pizza. They strive to achieve Nervana, a state of nervelessness in which the body is nothing, and the clothes are too. A more surreal sub-branch of this has gone in for Mathematics and discovered Einstein's squashed clock paradox, also known as the Dali Lemma. On the other hand, the Suddhists follow that great guru the Marquis de Suddha. They tend to flagellate themselves, and each other, a lot, and meditate with the sacred word "Ouch" (this sometimes becomes "Ouch knee-me punch-me Ouch!") Meanwhile, the Fuddhists believe in the power of food to cause gastric enlightenment. One such sect eats a whole sheep a day, and its South American branch eats a daily llama. Passing over the Wuddhists, tree worshippers, we come finally to the Muddhists. These believe that life is a long adventure game, and that the most enlightened ones are reincarnated as wizards and witches. They also have various sacred words, but since even the less potent of these is liable to turn one into an earwig, it is not always wise to utter them (unless one already is an earwig of course).
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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