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BE A TREKKIE!

by Sam Shim
(shim@eecs.umich.edu)


     Are you tired, bored, or disgusted with your lifestyle?  Are
you looking for a change?  Move up in life and become a trekkie! 
All it takes is a few steps which is easier than you think.  And
you'll enjoy doing it too.
     Just go to the nearest video store and rent every single
Star Trek episode and movie and watch it several times, in
addition to watching the syndicated Star Trek: The Next
Generation series and reading every Star Trek book, comic, and
magazine in existence.  That's all there is to change your
lifestyle permanently!  While doing this, you will notice the
subtle changes occurring in your lifestyle, such as:

1.  Loss of good hygiene habits.  You new lifestyle requires a
constant focus on Star Trek.  You will be going to Star Trek
conventions, discussing Star Trek technology with friends,
reading Star Trek books, comics, and magazines, and most of all,
reading and posting to rec.arts.startrek.  This will require all
of your free time, and you won't have time for petty details such
as bathing, combing your hair, cutting your fingernails, or
shaving.

2.  Changes in your dress.  You will find yourself throwing away
all of your clothes, going to the nearest clothing store and
stocking up on corduroy pants and plaid shirts.  You will also be
buying items such as Spock ears, communicator buttons and pocket
protectors to wear with your new clothes.  And if you wear
contacts, you will get rid of them and buy plastic glasses.  Your
new dress style will make you stand out from the crowd, and help
other Trekkies identify you as a Trekkie easily.

3.  Star Trek becomes the center of your new lifestyle, your new
reality.  You will live, eat and breath Star Trek, and will
always be talking about it.  Like a good researcher who
references all of his/her sources, whenever you take a quote from
Star Trek, you should reference which episode/movie/book/etc...
it was taken from and who stated it.  You can impress everyone
will your knowledge.  Best of all, your knowledge and mastery of
Star Trek applies to everyday life.  Here are some examples:

     a. You are attending a physics conference and you overhear
some professors about the role of time in our universe and
whether time travel is possible.  You can leave a lasting
impression on their minds by mentioning that time travel is
possible at a speed of warp 10 as stated Commander William Riker
and that there should be more research in warp technology and
achieving warp 10.  They might not understand what you are
talking about, but if that is so, it is because they are not as
well versed in the physics and technology of time travel as you
are.

     b.  You are at a United Nations conference on humanitarian
aid to third world countries where a discussion the merits on
increasing aid is being held.  You can inform others that "As
Spock so eloquently stated in Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan
'logic dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of
the few'".  You will leave a lasting impression to everyone
attending the conference.

     c.  You are taking a tour of NASA headquarters when you just
happen to run into the head of NASA.  You can leave a lasting
impression by asking him, "Why is NASA expending its resources on
space travel via shuttles when transporter technology is faster
and more efficient?"

     d.  You are present at a supercomputer conference in which
several computer manufacturers are discussing new advances in
processor speed and primary storage capacity, but which you don't
find very impressive to Data's processing speed which is rated at
sixty trillion operations a second and Data's primary storage
capacity of eight hundred quadrillion bits as stated in 'Measure
of a Man'.  By mentioning this example, you can leave a lasting
impression to everyone at the conference and to the computer
manufacturers.

     e.  You're late to work because you had to go to the
optometrist.  On your way in, you happen to run into your boss
and he/she asks you where you were.  You can inform him that you
had diagnostics performed on your malfunctioning visual sensory
organs and the proper corrective measures have been implemented. 
You'll leave a lasting impression on his/her mind.


Sounds appealing?  What are you waiting for?  Join millions of
others in the Trekkie lifestyle!  It's the best thing you can do
for yourself!

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