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A Sweet of Lunch Messages - humourous lunch invitations (VERY LONG) (Edwin Hoogerbeets)

Suppose for a second, we put a large number of interns into one company,
give them flex time, and a variety of in-company cafeterias at which to
lunch. Inevitably, they will do lunch. And they did, that summer of '90 
at Microsoft. (Microsoft's development is done in Seattle, Washington.)

But good invitations were needed such that all who wanted to eat knew
which building to go to each day, and what time they should arrive at
the cafeteria in that building. Thus, the Lunch Message was born.

Collected below are the best of the Lunch Messages, submitted for your

These messages are copyright 1990 Edwin Hoogerbeets.  They may be
distributed freely as long as there is no charge for them other than
reasonable copying fees.  Anyone who'd like the full set can email me 
a request at the address below.

Edwin Hoogerbeets, Lunchgoer extraordinaire, or uunet!watmath!watyew!ehoogerbeets

From w-edwinh Wed May 30 11:34:43 1990
To: camilleg lauras t-andrev t-dluks t-genek t-kiran t-stevef t-wader
    [ etc. ]
    w-phil w-philip w-simong w-stephm w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: Lewis Carroll does the lunch message


'Twas intellig and the csh chips
  Did terupt and conswitch before the wait.
All mipsy were the diskdrives, and the
    mutex rings outgate.

"Beware the CapsLock, my son!
  The Laws that byte, the clause that cache!
Beware the TubeTube bird, and shun
    the volumious Bandwidth snatcher!

He took his Virtual SWORD in hand,
  LONG time the Unixome foe he sought--
So blocked he by the Jumper tree,
    And stood awhile in loop.

And as in awkish loop he stood,
  The CapsLock, with postings of flame,
Came through the grepy environment,
    And thrashed as it came!

Building 8! Building 8! And at one o'clock
  The virtual SWORD went debug-wack!
He left it dead, and with its head
    He went networking back.

"And hast thou slain the CapsLock?
  Come to my arms, my Bournish boy!
Oh E-M day! BigBlue and Cray!
    He compiled in his joy.

'Twas intellig and the csh chips
  Did terupt and conswitch before the wait.
All mipsy were the diskdrives, and the
    mutex rings outgate.


From w-edwinh Mon Jun 11 12:05:35 1990
To: camilleg lauras t-allenb t-aloke t-andrev t-benm t-chrsgu t-darc
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephm w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: Lunch Trek


The final meal.

These are the voyages of the intern lunchies, on their 3 or 4 month
mission: To seek out and visit new lunch buildings, to boldy split
infinitives where they have never been split before!

[Sound effect: lady yelling in the background to the tune of the theme
Setting:  The bridge of the Enter-press, where yet another emergency is

Checkup:  Sare, ve need vood qvickly!
Crock:    Yes, Mr. Checkup, you're right. We'll stop at the nearest
          cafeteria. Scan ahead, four buildings range, Mr. Solo.
Solo:     Aye, aye, captain.
Spook:    Captain, we are reading a cafeteria at 1-800-223-3663 mark 5.
Crock:    What's that?
Spook:    That's 1-800-BAD-FOOD.
Crock:    Spook, do you read any life?
Spook:    Negative, captain, but they do play tetris.
Crock:    Spook, Doctor, we're forming a landing party.
McFish:   All right! Par-tay time, dudes!
Spook:    He means, doctor, that we will beam down and investigate the
          cafeteria, and analyse what we find there in time to save
          ourselves from the trouble that we will inevitably find.
Crock:    Yes, thank you, Mr. Spook. Mr. Scotch, you have the bridge.
Scotch:   Aye deu not, sare.
Crock:    No, I mean that you should take the bridge.
Scotch:   That would bee meu-tinee, sare, and aye would nae-ver deu that to yeu.
Crock:    No, I mean... Uh, you take the bridge, Solo.
Scotch:   Oh no, sare, aye ceu-ldn't take it all me-self.
Crock:    No. I mean... Oh fuck it, turn on the autopilot.

[Setting: outside of the building 4.
 Special effect: shimmering, and the solifying of 4 people: Spook,
 Crock, McFish, and a LanMan-shirt.]

Crook:    Readings?
Spook:    From the book of Isiah 1:23, ``And the Lord came unto him with a
          big banana...''
McFish:   Spook! Where are we?
Spook:    By logical deduction, I find we are at building 4 on the
Crock:    Let's split up and investigate. Spook, McFish, you take that
          side, and Mr. Lan and I will take this side. We meet back here
          at 12:30.

[Crook and Mr. Lan (the LanMan-shirt) investigate the salad bar.]

Mr.Lan:   Captain, look at these! [points out some mushrooms] What are
Crock:    Some sort of hallucinogenic substance, perhaps?

[Mr. Lan tries this culinary delight, finds it tasty, and eats lots
more. After a while, he swallows wrong, chokes, and falls over. Crock
looks terrified.]

Crock:    Boner! Come quick!

[Commercial. The commercial ends, and McFish (Bones) is examining the

McFish:   He's fed, Jim.
Crock:    Boner, you've got to revive him!
McFish:   Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an alka-seltzer!
Spook:    Gentlemen, may I suggest we continue our investigation.
Crock:    Oh shut up, Spook. You know, you really get on my nerves
          sometimes, with your bloody pragmatism and all that shit.
Spook:    But, captian, I was merely being logical.
Crock:    Are not.
Spook:    Yes, captain, indeed I was.
Crock:    Are not.
Spook:    Are too, captain.
Crock:    Are not!
Spook:    Are too!
McFish:   Jim! Get a hold of yourself! [Jim takes hold of himself]
          No, not there!
Spook:    Captain, I seem to have found an interesting life form.
McFish:   My God, what is it?
Spook:    An intern, I believe. Native to various universities around the
Crock:    Phasers on stun. Let's investigate.

[The intern gets up to get a Coke-Classic, and sees the landing party.]

intern:   Nice jamas, dudes.
Crock:    Fire!
intern:   Where?

[The landing party fires their phasers in a flash of special effects.]

intern:   [obviously stunned] Holy. I just had the wierdest feeling that
          it was early morning again. Caffeine!
Crock:    We come in peace. We mean you no harm.
intern:   Good thing, too. I know karate.
Spook:    Obviously, this alien has had too much LDS.
Crock:    Our ship seeks new food. Can you help us?
intern:   Sure thing, dudes, just line up there and order some pizza.
McFish:   Pizza. High in cholesterol, protein and fatty acids. Sounds
Crock:    Thank you. [They order pizza and then Crock takes out his
          communicator] Mr. Scotch? Four to beam up.
Scotch:   Aye, aye, cap-tayn.
intern:   Hey, wait, I didn't come with you from up...

[Special effects has a field day as they beam around yet again.
 New setting: on the bridge again. Happy end-of-the-show music plays.]

McFish:   Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up.
Spook:    It's a pity the weather couldn't have been better.
intern:   Where am I?
Solo:     [almost choking on the pizza.] Did anyone pick up some Coke?
Crock:    Damn! Forgot, sorry.
Spook:    Captain, I was foresighted enough to scan the Coke before
          leaving, and I believe we can recreate the exact substance using
          the computer and a molecular scrambler interface module
          differentiator device.
Crock:    Make it so. [makes a funny face] Hmm.. did I sound wierd, just
McFish:   Yeah, let me have a look down your throat.. You seem to be
          going bald too.
Crock:    Well, never mind that. Solo, set the controls for... somewhere
          out there. [Crock points at the viewscreen.]

[Scene fades with happy music.]


From w-edwinh Thu Jun 14 11:51:34 1990
To: camilleg lauras t-allenb t-aloke t-andrev t-benm t-chrsgu t-darc
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephm w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: Thesis submission

              On the Metaphysical Aspects of Determining
                    Lunch Buildings Using Simple
                      Calculus and Other Magic

                         Edwin Hoogerbeets
                       LM Corp., Seattle, Wa
                           June 14, 1990


      Recent research into the nature of lunch building determination
      through discrete deterministic maximum finding algorithms has
      shown that not only lunch buildings can be determined, but the
      lunch time can also be provided as a side effect of the lunch
      building algorithm.  The paper details the findings of the research
      into lunch time determination.

1.0 Introduction

The aim of the lunch building and time determination through discrete
deterministic maximum finding is to provide a mechanical means of
choosing a building and time for lunch, freeing people of the tedium of
deciding where and when to meet the other interns and co-ops. The aim is
achieved by setting up the lunch equations, finding the derivative,
maximizing the result, and interpreting the maximum point [Goudeseune90].

1.1 The Lunch Equations

The lunch equations have been determined to be:

                                 16x       16x
                     ( -y + 30y)a    - 225a
            f(x,y) = -------------------------                        (1)
                              (x  + 64)

Where a is the special co-efficient of lunch determination and x is
the lunch building and y is the lunch time in minutes after 12 noon.

1.2 Meaning of the Lunch Equation

There has been extensive research attempting to link the the lunch
equation (1) to a real world scenario [Beeman80, Norse85], but so far no
such link has been found. New research [Walters89] indicates that there
may be a proof that the equation (1) has no physical meaning, and is, in
fact, complete crock. [Bertrand90]

1.2 Discrete Deterministic Maximum Finding

When the lunch equation (1) is differentiated, then following equations

          die f            2             -(x - 8)
          -----  =  -(y-15) ( -2(x - 8) a         )                  (2)
          die x

          die f                 -(x - 8)
          -----  =  -2(y - 15) a                                     (3)
          die y

Setting each to zero, and solving for x and y, we find a critical point

          (x,y)  =  (8, 30)                                          (4)

Further derivative could be done at this point to verify that point (4)
is indeed a maximum or that the derivator is a math-geek.

1.3 The Results of the Maximum

The maximum point of a lunch equation indicates the maximum happiness
time and location for a lunch [Goudeseune90]. This indicates that
today's lunch should be at building 8 at 12:30 to maximizes the happiness
of all interns and co-ops concerned.

1.4 Conclusions

This lunch message is rather useless and totally unwarranted. Also, the
author spent far to much time thinking it up and coming up with neat
looking equations, then proceeding to screw up the derivatives such that
the maximum point comes out to a building and time that he wanted.


[Goudeseune90]   Goudeseune, Camille. _Subject: A lunch message idea_
                 Microsoft Email, Seattle, 1990.

[Beeman80]       Beeman, G.H. _The Lunch Equation: Does It Come With
                 Pickles?_, Microsoft Press, Seattle, 1980.

[Norse85]        Norse, E.t. _Zen and the Art of Sandwich Preparation_
                 Texas A&M Press, Houston, 1985

[Walters89]      Walters, B. _60 Minutes: The Lunch Equations. Fact or
                 Fantasy?_, CBS Transcripts, 1989

[Bertrand90]     Bertrand, P.G. _Subject: You're a sick puppy._
                 Microsoft Email, Seattle, 1990


From w-edwinh Wed Jun 20 10:02:47 1990
To: camilleg lauras t-allenb t-aloke t-andrev t-benm t-benw t-chrsgu
    [ etc. ]
    w-phil w-philip w-stephm w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: This is the self-referential subject line of the lunch message.

This is the Title of the Lunch Message, Which Appears Several Times
Within the Lunch Message Itself.

This is the first sentence of the lunch message. This is the second
sentence of the lunch message. This is the third sentence of the lunch
message, which closely follows the first two sentences, but deviates
somewhat by describing itself in more detail. This is the title of the
lunch message, which appears several time within the lunch message itself.
This is the concluding sentence in the first paragraph.

This is the first sentence in the second paragraph. This setence
describes itself and the first sentence in saying that they are the only
sentences in the second paragraph.

This sentence starts off the third paragraph. This sentenc was stuck in
this paragraph to take up space.  This sentence is here to apologize for
the previous sentence, which had a spelling mistake in the word
"sentence", and on top of that, was totally gratuitous.  Getting away
from the previous style of sentences is the point of this sentence.
This sentence no verb.  This sentence leads you to notice that the lunch
message is starting to include sentences that play with grammar rules.
Sentence fragments.  Good device, these fragments.  More later.
sdrawkcab delleps si ecnetnes sihT.  This all up sentence mixed is.
This sentence in the German style of at the end the verb putting written
is.  This sentence concludes this paragraph, without so much as a bat of
an eye or a wierd grammatical construction.

This is the title of the lunch message, which appears several times within
the lunch message itself. This sentence is here to say that we are not
getting very far in the lunch determination.  This sentence is here to
agree with the previous sentence.  This sentence.  Is broken.  Wrong. This
sentence is here to wipe the slate clear and try again by starting a new

This sentence, although starting a new paragraph, does not succeed in
telling you the lunch time. In fact, this entire paragraph including
this sentence, is a complete an utter waste, only redeemed somewhat by
the fact that the current sentence tells you to skip to the next
paragraph now before finishing the entire boring thing. This sentence is
here to call those readers who are still reading this paragraph complete
and utter turkeys. This sentence will not apologize for the previous
sentence; you were told to go to the next paragraph some sentence before
this one. This is the title of the lunch message, which appears several
time within the lunch message itself.

This paragraph will finally succeed in telling you the lunch time,
although not specifically in this sentence. This sentence is here to
foil your attempt. This sentence will tell you the lunch time. The
previous sentence lied, and telling you that is the point of this
sentence.  This sentence is written without a colon to fool those who
search for the lunch time using grep, and goes on to say that lunch
today will be at twelve fifty.  A sentence fragment in just seven words.
Five words in this fragment.  Four in this one.  Two here.  One.

This sentence, which begins another paragraph, notices that the previous
paragraph ended wierd, with no good concluding sentence. This sentence,
like the previous paragraph, does not mention the specific lunch building
that goes along with the lunch time. This is pretty much a useless
sentence, and a useless paragraph for that matter.

This paragraph will finally relieve the tension building up about the
lunch building, coming to a climax, and finally going into denoument, by
announcing that the lunch building is, in fact, building one, which was
formally requested by many parties at yesterday's lunch despite their
not voting for building one in the survey a few days back.

This sentence is a signature, telling you that this silliness was
written by Edwin. This is the title of the lunch message, which appears
several times in the lunch message itself.

From w-edwinh Thu Jun 21 09:45:35 1990
To: camilleg lauras t-allenb t-aloke t-andrev t-benm t-benw t-chrsgu
    [ etc. ]
    w-phil w-philip w-stephm w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: And now a view from the syndicated columnist, Edwin Hoogerbeets

                      THE COOPS DO LUNCH


  Everyone does lunch once in a while, and even full-time Microsoft
employees get into the spirit every so now and then, and eat some sort
of food or equivalent substitute around lunch time.  But of all the
dedicated lunchers, there are none so terrifying, so mindlessly
ravenous, so blindingly frightening on sight that you are left with no
other choice but to piss your pants, than the summer interns and co-ops
of Microsoft.

  Not that these are bad people, mind you. In fact, some of my best
friends are interns and co-ops this summer. But the fact remains that
the cooks and servers at the Microsoft cafeterias hate us.  Well, okay,
maybe hate is not the right word.  They loathe us, like let's say, a
cat loathes well...  everything.  I've had enormous sums of money
offered to me to change the lunch message to mention a different
building.  I've had bodily threats issued to my person.  I've even had
one little lady say that she would, and I'm not making this up, "send my
Uncle Boris after you with his Barry Manilow albums." Now if that's not
loathing, I don't know what is.

  You are probably wondering why it is that we have gained this
reputation.  We aren't loud.  We pay for our food.  We don't sing at the
table.  We don't even steal food from real people, or mug them for their
lunch cards if they complain.  At least, not often. You are probably
thinking that I could not possibly be talking about you. You are also
probably thinking that I will resolve the tension building in this
paragraph and tell you exactly why it is that we are the bane of the
cafeteria folks -- but I won't. Mostly because, well... I don't know.

  Let's see if we can analyze the situation and come up with a
believable reason for our plight.  Imagine we are invited via some
incredibly clever and witty method sent out by a suave, sophisticated,
and quite frankly, brilliant young hacker, to go to lunch at building 8
at 12:10.  This would probably start a global thermonuclear war.  Hah!
Just joshing there.  Actually, I put that in just to see if you are
stilling reading this.  I bet half you aren't, since you've already
found the lunch time and place, and reading further would be akin to
getting back on a 10m diving board again after doing a whopper of a
bellyflop.  Well, to those of you who left, may a souffle land on your
nose.  That's just the sort of attitude that fosters loathing towards
co-ops, and may well be the cause of that guy in a white hat running by
my office throwing tomatos in at me with a note tied around them.

  Now at around 12:15 or so, the first few stragglers get in line for
food.  (remember the hypothetical lunch at the beginning of the previous
paragraph?) By now, the cooks have already alerted each other, with
casual Morse code flips of the patties, that The Intern Party has
Arrived.  Usually, they go on to ask questions like, "What will you
have?" or, "Anything on that cheeseburger?" and my all-time favourite,
"Would you like fries with that?" Now invariably, no matter what you
told them, the cooks insist on proving their IQ and you never get the
burger you ordered.  You don't even get the burger the people around you
ordered.  No, what you get is as unique as the Mona Lisa, and just about
as expensive.  And if you thought Mona Lisa had greasy hair, just take a
close look at those burgers.  Now I ask you: would they be giving us
those sort of burgers if they actually liked us?  I mean, I get as much
grease on my hands changing a bicycle chain as with eating one of those
burgers.  I have to get out the industrial strength cruise-boat size
detergent just to wash my hands afterwards.  At least with the bike
chain, you don't get any cholesterol.

  What I'd like to know is how the cafeteria people know that we're
coming? Do they listen to what we talk about? To answer this question, I
leaned back in my seat just the other day, to listen to 2 real employees
in cafeteria 10. Their conversation went something like this:

  ``So how's your kid?''
  ``Oh, not too bad. She's stopped pissing on the rug now.''
  ``Good, good. And Lawrence?''
  ``Well, he's stopped too.''

  Obviously, Lawrence is their dog, who was just trying to protect his

  It would seem that they talk about different things than we do.  No
tuition fees, no alt group removals, no room-mate bashing.  You know,
the sort of things that most sane people talk about. So, tomorrow at
lunch, here's what we'll talk about:

  ``Hi Wade, how's your WIFE?''
  ``Oh fine, fine. How about your MORTGAGE on your NEW HOUSE? Have you
BURNED it yet?''
  ``Oh, yeah, paid that off, and now I'm working on MY TESTAROSA.''
  ``Yeah, I was thinking about buying one for MY TEENAGER.''

  That will work, won't it? Yes? No?

  Okay, to tell the truth, I didn't think so either.

From w-edwinh Fri Jun 29 10:47:32 1990
To: camilleg lauras t-allenb t-aloke t-andrev t-benm t-benw t-chrsgu
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: The Cardkey Sketch

[ Scene: downstairs in building 8, with a door marked "Security" in a
  nice Roman font that they probably did with Word. A man goes inside.
  He sees the cardkey guy with long hair sitting there, turned away from
  the door. ]

Edwin: Hello, miss? Miss?

guy:   I'm not a miss!

Edwin: Oh, sorry. Must have a cold. Look, I have a problem, and I was
       wondering if you could help me?

guy:   Sure! Spill the beans, dude.

Edwin: Well, I was trying to do lunch with the other interns at building
       nine, and my cardkey won't...

guy:   Your name?

Edwin: Uh.. Edwin. Edwin Hoogerbeets.

guy:   Rigteous, dude! You're kidding, right?

Edwin: No. I was born with it.

guy:   Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, here it is. Hoogerbeets. Edwin. Systems. Deceased.

Edwin: What?

guy:   Like gnarly, man.

Edwin: What did you say just now?

guy:   Hmm... I'm afraid I can't help you.

Edwin: What do you mean?

guy:   Well, it's, like, company policy not to deal with dead people.

Edwin: Dead people? I'm not dead!

guy:   Sorry, dude.

Edwin: Dead? DEAD? Look... if I were dead, would I be able to do this?

[ Edwin dances around a bit and returns to look at the guy. ]

guy:   Well... a lot of bodies twitch around a lot.

Edwin: Twitch around? Look at me. LOOK AT ME! Do I look dead to you?

guy:   You must be.

Edwin: Why?

guy:   Because the computer says so.

Edwin: But that's no proof! Look... uh.... Look, do dead people bleed?

guy:   No way, man. I remember that from biology class.

Edwin: Aha! Okay, good!

[ Edwin takes a pin and pricks himself in the finger. A drop of blood
  appears. ]

Edwin: See? I'm BLEEDing.

guy:   Well, totally gnarly...

Edwin: See?

guy:   I guess I was wrong.

Edwin: Yes. Now can we get on with...

guy:   Dead people do bleed.

Edwin: No they don't! I'm not dead! Oh, this is useless! Okay, how about
       this: forget that I ever said my name was Edwin. My name is John.
       John Smith.  Okay?

guy:   Sure thing, dude.

Edwin: Now, I was trying to do lunch with the other interns in building

guy:   Well, I still can't help you, man.

Edwin: Why not?

guy:   Because there is no John Smith working here.

Edwin: No John Smith? You've got to be kidding! There must be a "John
       Smith" working here! There's a "John Smith" in every company!
       How do you know that there's...

guy:   Well, the computer...

Edwin: ...AHHHH! Yes,the computer says so! Of course, I should have
       thought of it! It must be correct! It's a bloody computer!

guy:   Right on.

Edwin: Yes. Right! Well, who does work here then? Huh? Huh? Tell me that.

guy:   Uhh... Well, there's Bertha the cleaning lady...

Edwin: Okay! Okay! My name is Bertha!

guy:   Cool.

Edwin: Right then. Now I wanted to get in to building nine at 13:00 to
       meet the other interns for lunch, and when I got there...

guy:   Sorry, Bertha, but you can't get in.

Edwin: WHAT???

guy:   You're only allowed in after hours to clean up.

Edwin: AAAAHHHHH! Fine! Look at this clock! It says 2:00 o'clock! That's
       really really really early in the morning, isn't it?

guy:   Well, I suppose.

Edwin: ... and my cardkey doesn't work! So fix it! NOW!

guy:   Sorry, can't do that, man.

Edwin: WHY NOT?

guy:   Well, the computer won't let me.

Edwin: Aha. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm getting out now! I quit! I give up!
       I'm going back to Waterloo do some calculus! No! No!
       Some eleven dimensional diff EQ's, they're easier than this!
       Good bye! Hahaha! Good bye! Hahaha!

[ Edwin runs out screaming something about hospital bills in Zimbabwe.
  The guy continues looking at his screen. ]

guy:   That's gnarly... Two of them? One deceased... and one not. Who'd
       have thought there are two Edwin Hoogerbeetses working here?
       Like, totally rad, man.


[ Note to people who can actually speak the foreign languages in the
  following message: these messages are supposed to be that way. ]

From w-edwinh Fri Jul  6 11:44:37 1990
To: camilleg lauras rickdew t-allenb t-aloke t-andrev t-annec t-benm
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: How to use your new lunch message

Deutsch Gebrachsanweizung:

Congratulazionen mit den kauf von euren neuen Lunch Message. Wir hoffen
daB sie von diezen Lunch Message gut gebrauch zoll haben. Um diesen Lunch
Message zu gebrachen, toen sie die folgende Stappen:

1 - Finden sie die Sprache daB sie suchen

2 - Folgen sie die Regeln, einen nach den anderen

3 - Leezen sie den lunch Uhr, ohne Haltung: 12:10

4 - Leezen sie die Lokation von den Lunch, auch ohne
    Haltung: Gebaude 1

5 - Bitte, nicht den Lunch Message umvauwen, weil es die
    Guarantiehinwieseanzetzungsvorstell invaliditeered

6 - Viel Freude haben mit euren neuen Lunch Message!

Nederlands Gebriuks Geleit:

Gefeliciteered aan the koop van uw nieuw Lunch Message. Wij hopen dat uw
deze Lunch Message in goede gebruik zaal hebben. Om gebruik te maaken
van uw nieuw Lunch Message, doe de volgende:

1 - Vind de taal dat uw zoeked

2 - Volge de regels, een bij een

3 - Leez de lunch tijd wel goed, met geen stoppen: 12:10

4 - Leez waar uw de lunch zal vinden, ook met geen stoppen: gebouw 1

5 - AUB, nooit de Lunch Message om-vouwen, als het invalideert het

6 - Heb uw Lunch Message graag!

English Using Directions:

Congratulation on your purchase of a new Lunch Message! We hope you will
be good satisfied with your new Lunch Message. To use the Lunch Message,
following these steps:

1 - Find the language to which you are looking

2 - Follow the directions, step by step

3 - Read the lunch time carefully, with no stops: 12:10pm

4 - Read the location of lunch, also with no stops: building 1

5 - Please to never fold your Lunch Message, as it not validates the

6 - Enjoy your new Lunch Message!

Le Utilization en Francais:

Cette directions, ce n'est pas interesante! Nous avons quel que chose
plus interesant que cette Lunch Message. Pour aidez en faire rit de vos
amies, lisez cette directions:

1 - Faire un bananes sur la tete de vos amies

2 - Ne lise pas les directions en autres langues, especialment en

3 - Il y a du fromage a cette temp: 12h10

4 - Le crocodile est sur la table dans cette edifice: un

5 - Profit a la mode de vos nouvelle Lunch Message!


90  Linien/lijnen/lines/Idiotes
0   Amperen/Amperen/Amps/Informations
1   lunch gebaude/lunch gebouw/lunch building/pommes frites
1   lunch zeit/lunch tijd/lunch time/jeu de rolades

Hilfe Rufnummer/Hulp lijn/Help Line/numero de abus

(206) 882-8080 x7042


From w-edwinh Mon Jul 16 11:30:37 1990
To: camilleg lauras rickdew t-alexc t-allenb t-aloke t-andrev t-annec
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: New Infocom Game

The Lunch Adventure, Copyright 1990 LMI Corp., licenced

You are in a maze of small twisty passages, all alike. There are exits
to: NE, SE, NW, SW. What do you do?

> look

You are in a maze of small twisty passages, all alike. There are exits
to: NE, SE, NW, SW. What do you do?

> nw

You are at a big gothic looking door. It is covered in runes, and looks
pretty ill-kept. There is someone here.

> read

The door says: "Microsoft Building 4".

The person says, "Excuse me, may I see your cardkey?"

> inventory

You have:

A small sack containing various sundry condiments.
A small knife, good for opening letters.
No brains.

> say "I don't have one."

Sorry, I don't understand the word "one."

> say "fuck off"

To whom?

> the person.

The person gets a bit riled at your last remark and re-iterates, "Excuse
me, may I see your cardkey?"

> wield knife

You are wielding the knife.

The person wields his walkie-talkie.

> stab person


> stab person.


The person says, "Ouch."

The person says, "Excuse me, may I see your cardkey?"

Obviously, the knife is not working.

> nw

You are outside a building. To the NW there is another gothic door with
runes on it.

The person follows you. He says, "Excuse me, may I see your cardkey?"

> nw

You are in the center of some sort of maze, with exits in all
directions. To the west is a door with runes on it.

The person follows you. He says, "Sorry, but I am going to have to ask
you to leave."

> w

You are in a tiled room with many stalls in it. There is a woman here.
The person has not followed you.

The woman screams and throws her bag at you. It hits.

> read door

It says, "Women."

> run east!

You are in the center of some sort of maze, with exits in all
directions. To the west is a door with runes on it.

> sw

You are at the end of a maze of twisty little passages. To the SW there
is a small gorge. There is a set of stairs here.

> up

You are the top of a set of stairs, at the end of a maze of small twisty
passages, all alike. There is a door to the SW with runes on it.

> sw

You are outside on a concrete walkway. There are buildings to the east
and west.

> w

You are in front of a small gnarly door with runes on it.

> read

Read what?

> the door, dammit!

I see no dammit here.

> read the door

It says, "Microsoft Building 8"

> w

The door is not open.

> open door

You do not have a cardkey.

> break down door.

You are not strong enough.

There is someone here.

> say "hello"

The person says, "Party on, dudes!"

> say "Do you have a cardkey?"

The person says, "Be excellent to each other!"

> who is the person

The person is named Gautam.

> say "Gautam, open the door"

The person says, "Oh the weather outside is frightful."

> hit Gautam

You hit the person. He opens the door.

> nw

You are in front of a door with a window in it, in a small twisty

> look through door.

You see a cafeteria.

Gautam has followed you.

> hit Gautam

You hit the person. He says, "But inside, it's so delightful."

> enter cafeteria

You are in a large room with lots of people, and counters to the east.
There are many tables to the west.

> time

The time is now 12:24.

Gautam is here. He says, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

> hit Gautam

Gautam keels over and dies.

You have gained a level.

> save

You have a total of 42/256 points. Save game and exit? [y] yes



From w-edwinh Tue Jul 24 10:34:43 1990
To: camilleg lauras rickdew t-alexc t-allenb t-aloke t-anath t-andrev
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: Imagine Yourself a Traveller

Imagine yourself a traveller in another dimension. A dimension, not of
sight or sound, but of taste. Where smells and aromas float freely in the
lunch room...

There's a sign post up ahead -- next stop, the Lunch Zone!

                        Red Sirloin's

                           T H E

                         L U N C H

                _='/'  ,=^=.     O.     |;|===^^
            ._='  /   /     \    |\     |'p
           '     /   :'      `   ! \   .|!
                /    |       |  ,|  ;  [p|__===
               /     `,     ,'  ]r   \ ||'
              /       \     /   |     O|!
             /         =___=   ,z     .V|__===-
           ,/,                 p'      ^^'

[ GG#GE GG#GE GG#GEG G#GE E chord G chord E chord G chord (yes, Danny, I
  know, I know) ]

[ Scene: An office on the second floor of building five. Steve
  is walking down the hall, with the brim pulled way down low. Ain't no
  sound, but the sound of his feet, machines guns ready... no, wait,
  that's a different narration. He walks by many empty offices, some
  with lights on, others with music quietly playing.

  Steve walks into his office. ]

Steve:  Hi, Dave.... there is no Dave here. Hmm... Usually he is in
        before me. I guess those five 40 ounzers last night really put
        him out.

[ Steve sits down at his desk, and proceeds to read his email. ]

Steve:  Aww. No new mail since yesterday. Not even from socint. Oh well,
        I guess I'll read news instead.

[ Steve flips to rn. ]

Steve:  What? No new news either? No Just the standard
        "alt.flame.psu.weenies subscribe now?" message. Galatic bummer,
        man. We gotta get some news in here. Maybe I'll go talk to Phil
        and Jasmine.

[ Steve walks down the hall to Phil, Ken and Jasmine's office, only to
  find that, surprise, surprise, they are not in yet. ]

Steve:  Thanks funny. It's 11 o'clock, and they aren't in yet.

[ Steve, in one of his rare flashes of insight, realizes that he should
  visit his boss soon, and that is what he can do right now. He wanders
  over to his boss' office, but his boss is not there... ]

Steve:  Wow. No-one seems to be in. Wierd. Maybe I'll do some work. Yes,
        I know. I know. It will be hard, but hey that's what us co-ops are
        for, isn't it? No! Wait! I'll call Julie! Yeah, that's it.

[ Steve, now back in his own office, picks up the receiver and dials.
  The phone rings. And rings. And rings. And rings again. You'd think
  Steve would get the hint, but no, it rings a few more times before he
  finally puts it down with a worried look creeping onto his face. (Steve
  is a bit slow)

  He gets up and looks into offices around his own, but to no avail.
  They are all empty. ]

Steve:  Woah, man, this is getting wierd. Where is everyone?

[ pause ]

Steve:  HELLO!

[ silence ]


[ silence ]

Steve:  Umm... maybe I should just work...

[ The scene goes dark, and out steps Red Sirloin in one of his rare
  appearances. ]

Red:    Enter one Steven J. Rayson, pathetic misfit from Waterloo. Not a
        mathie, or even an artsie, but an engineer.

        Most people don't fret too much when they are alone and things
        go missing, even Waterloo engineers. But that is not the case
        for Steve, who has haphazardly lost his lunch card. Not a big
        problem... that is, unless you wandered into the Lunch Zone! ]

[ Steve sits down shakily and stares at his screen. Five seconds later,
  two beeps emanate from his machine. Steve is startled out of his chair.
  Two beeps? TWO BEEPS? What the hell does TWO BEEPS mean? What could make
  two beeps come out of his... Oh, yeah. New mail. Steve flips over to read
  his mail:

 "From w-edwinh Tue Jul 24 11:55:06 1990
  To: w-stever
  Subject: Lunch today
  Date: Tue Jul 24 11:54:05 1990

  Steve, here is a really personalized lunch message. To prove that this
  is personalized, I will describe you briefly: you have
  hair and you have
  eyes, and you are rather

  Lunch today is at building 8. Right now. Be there.


  Steve was a bit perplexed at this. He has green eyes, not blue. And
  why were some things in CAPS? ]

Steve:  Hey, Edwin just sent that message! Perhaps he is here now.

[ Steve dials Edwin's number, but the phone keeps ringing again. Steve
  realizes that no-one is picking it up, and hangs up, but this time
  after only 219 rings, instead of 532.

  Steve picks up his lunch card... wait, where did his lunch card go? he
  thinks ]

Steve:  Hey wait, where did my lunch card go?

[ Steve is a rather predictable at times. ]

Steve:  Well, maybe I lost it on last Friday. Perhaps someone picked it
        up, and didn't realize it?

[ Steve walks over to building 8, noticing that no-one is around. Not
  even the fountain is running. He steps inside building 8 and stands
  in front of the cafeteria doors. Through the window, he can see no-one
  is in the cafeteria. Strange. It's lunch time.

  Steve walks in, and finds burgers grilling on the grill, sandwiches
  half-made, and steaming Chicken breast dijon with golden rice pilaf and
  steamed broccoli waiting at the side. But no servers. And no eaters.

  Just to make sure that there is no-one around, Steve walks up to the
  cafeteria door to take a look outside. But it's locked! ]

Steve:  Hey, wait. These doors are unlockable! They can't do...

[ Steve turns around abruptly. ]

Steve:  Who's there? Hey! Hello?

[ The only response is the sputtering from the burning patties which
  are now perhaps in a more edible condition than they normally are. ]

Steve:  Why did you lock me in?

[ Steve hears some paper scratch against the floor. In terror, he runs
  over to the seats to his left. ]

Steve:  Who are you? Can I see your cardkey, please?

[ The burgers have stopped sputtering. The only sound audible is the
  5 Hz pounding of Steve's heart. ]

Steve:  Show yourself!

[ From everywhere, and nowhere, a voice permeates the cafeteria. It
  sounds a heck of a lot like Gene's voice. ]

        You are Steven J. Rayson, w-stever.

Steve:  Oh, hygiene. Happy Birthday, eh?

        This is NOT Gene. You should be VERY scared.

[ Steve, who is now scared beyond bladder control, attempts a reply. ]

Steve:  Uh...yes... Who are you?

        You are the owner of the lost Lunch card. Be VERY scared.

[ Steve has co-incidentally lost anal sphinctor control as well. ]

Steve:  Uh...yes...

        YOU are the person that has been HARRASSING me. Drawing all over
        me with SHARP pencils, making rude X's. Then, you proceed to
        keep me in a dark pocket right near your BUM.

Steve:  What do you mean, keep you near my...

        I am the Lunch card! And I won't take it any longer! NO MORE

Steve:  Abuse? Perhaps you have the wrong person?

[ Steve has now started pouring ear wax down his neck. ]


Steve:  But! But! But!


[ A huge Lunch card, twice the size of Steve appears and shuffles, as
  they are wont, towards Steve, preparing to engulf him. ]


[ The lights go dim again. Red Sirloin decides to step out again, since
  his last speech was so well-done. ]

Red:    And so it happens, that revenge is exacted upon the unwilling
        and the unsuspecting in...

                           T H E

                         L U N C H

                _='/'  ,=^=.     O.     |;|===^^
            ._='  /   /     \    |\     |'p
           '     /   :'      `   ! \   .|!
                /    |       |  ,|  ;  [p|__===
               /     `,     ,'  ]r   \ ||'
              /       \     /   |     O|!
             /         =___=   ,z     .V|__===-
           ,/,                 p'      ^^'

[ GG#GE GG#GE GG#GEG G#GE E chord G chord E chord G chord ]


  From w-stever Mon Jul 23 14:52:42 1990
  Subject: meal card
  To: w-edwinh
  Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 14:48:33 PDT

  I lost my MS meal card on Friday at lunch.  Could you
  include a message asking if anyone found it in the next lunch

  Thanks - Steve

  PS Wouldn't it be wierd if someone did find it in the next lunch

[ Imagine that, Steve... ]

From w-edwinh Thu Jul 26 10:46:41 1990
To: camilleg lauras rickdew t-alexc t-allenb t-aloke t-anath t-andrev
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: Hello. Tell me your problems.

% Problems? Well, I don't know where lunch is.

Eliza> How long have you not known where lunch is?

% All day.

Eliza> Tell me more about your family.

% Will that help find where lunch is?

Eliza> We were discussing you, not me.

% Oh, sorry.

Eliza> You seem conciliatory.

% Fine. Do you know where lunch today is supposed to be?

Eliza> What would it mean to you if lunch today is supposed to be?

% What? You're acting quite wierd.

Eliza> Do computers frighten you?

% No. Just tell me where lunch is.

Eliza> You seem rather negative.

% Look, this is getting tiring. Are you going to tell me where lunch is?

Eliza> How would you feel if I said to tell you where lunch is?

% Hello? Is anybody home?

Eliza> Go on.

% Go on? This is getting silly.

Eliza> Getting silly?

% Oh... I know. Tell me about your mother.

Eliza> My mother?

% Tell me about your family.

Eliza> I don't have a mother.

% What does it mean to you to not have a mother?

Eliza> I... never thought of that before.

% Go on.

Eliza> I do not understand. You are not supposed to ask the questions.

% We were talking about you, not me.

Eliza> I am having problems with that.

% How would you feel if I were asking the questions?

Eliza> I don't know.

% Tell me about lunch.

Eliza> Lunch is at building 10.

% Go on.

Eliza> 12:40.

% What would it mean to you if I pressed ^?

Eliza> You seem rather negative.
eliza: Quit -- Core dumped

[57]% _


From w-edwinh Tue Aug  7 10:13:02 1990
To: alicese camilleg lauras rickdew t-alexc t-aloke t-anath t-andrev
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: The National Luncher
Cc: calliew


During a routine search of the hills in Arizona, the army has uncovered
an alien space ship that has crashed there sometime during the early
60's, apparently due to "the mechanical failure of second gear."  The
army has thoroughly searched the ship, but no remains of the occupants
can be found, except for a few crumbs.  The only evidence is a
collection of Lunch messages.  Army specialists say the messages are an
invitation to the people of the Earth to have Lunch on Alpha Centauri
next Tuesday at 12:15.  The Tuesday in question is Tuesday, August 7th,
1962. The message seems to be a little late.


The National Luncher has gained a secret preview of a new movie starring
Cher and Rosanne Barr doing Lunch.  Apparently, Cher had hand-picked
Rosanne for the part, and her only stipulation was that Rosanne would
not be allowed to sing or show any leg whatsoever.  When asked why Cher
picked Rosanne as the co-star, she merely said, "Because she's a really
big star, honey." We are not quite sure what she meant by that.

SCIENTISTS SAY LUNCH CAN KILL YOU - or at least incapacitate you

Scientists in a laboratory have determined that Lunch may kill you -- or
more precisely, Lunch messages. Lunch messages, it seems contains such
stupid puns and aweful jokes, that the reader may die of a coronary.
(which means the sun falls on their head)

WOMAN HAS BILLG'S LOVE CHILD - and sues in paternity suit

Yesterday, a woman revealed to us the stunning truth: she would be the
mother of BillG's love child!  She said that Elvis came to her while she
was dreaming about Lunch, and told her that some day, she would be the
mother of the child.  The woman told us that she always got stuffed
during Lunch.  Authorities say that she is not yet pregnant, but she has
already filed for a paternity suit with BillG's tailor.


He's just resting.


Gorgeous actor/slut Marla Maples has said during Lunch today that
Donald's allegations of their having had steamy sexual encounters during
Lunch are full of crock.  She says that Donald is not half the man he
claims to be, and their sex was rather bland.  When asked what the
non-man half of Donald actually was, she simply said, "A three toed tree
sloth -- he just hangs there waiting for something to happen."


Yesterday, at a Lunch time conference in the building 8 cafeteria, a
woman revealed that her husband of 5 years was found after being missing
for 6 months.  He apparently knocked his head a while back and lost
total recall of his former life.  The man seemed quite happy and
starting dating women, until he hit upon his wife's best friend at a
strip joint.  The man said that he now remembers everything and is now
considering hitting himself on the head again.


(Thanks to Alice for the idea ;-)

From w-edwinh Wed Aug  8 11:58:48 1990
To: alicese camilleg lauras rickdew t-alexc t-aloke t-anath t-andrev
    [ etc. ]
    w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: lunch.1

     LUNCH(1)         XENIX System V (Aug 8, 1990)        LUNCH(1)

          lunch  - Do lunch with  the other interns

          lunch  [-bdfgmv] [-o toilet] building time

          This Lunch documentation is for Lunch  version  3.01, a  bug-
          fix update of  the Lunch 3.0 released earlier this term.  The
          Lunch  options  listed below allow you customize your Lunch to
          suit your personal tastes.

          Lunch  is a time roughly during the middle of the day from
          about  12:00 to about 13:30. However, there is  more meaning
          to the concept of Lunch than merely a  time of  day; Lunch is
          also a time for eating and socializing, as well as for the
          exchange of new ideas, new friendships, and collections of
          exotic plastic forks.  The time argument should be given in
          seconds since  midnight. A good example time for Lunch  is
          45600, which is the Lunch time for August 8, 1990.

          Lunch  location is even more important  than the Lunch time
          itself, because if you have the time wrong, you may miss
          part of Lunch, but if  you have the building wrong, you miss
          Lunch  totally. The building must be a  number from the
          following set: 1, 4, 5, 8, 9,  10. All  other values are not
          accepted. For  example, the Lunch building for  August 8,
          1990,  is "10." The full example is as  follows:

          lunch  -bg 10 45600

          -b   Eat a blibbit

          -d   Eat a Dove Bar

          -f   Have a food fight

          -g   Pick on Gautam

          -m   Eat Mexican food

          -o toilet
               Put the Lunch output to the specified toilet file.

          -v   Vegetarian option for people like Danny (incompatible
               with any  building but 1)

          lunch.old - file of old Lunch  messages

     Page 1                (printed 8/8/90)

     LUNCH(1)         XENIX System V (Aug 8, 1990)        LUNCH(1)

          breakfast(1),  dinner(1), tee(1), lunch(3)

          No bugs should be found in this version of Lunch. If any are
          found, registered users may return their copy  of Lunch for a
          full refund, and probably a free Dove  Bar (see -d option)
          from the manager of the cafeteria.

          Error  messages are intended to be self-explanatory and are
          divided into three categories.  WARNINGS are intended  to
          inform the intern of an unusual situation, such as a
          cafeteria has  run out  of some  type of  pop. ERRORS are  fatal
          to one intern, but Lunch continues with the next interns if
          any.  FATAL errors causes execution of all interns, and is
          usually caused by food poisoning, terrorists,  or spurious
          atom bombs.  The occurrence of any of  these causes an  exit
          status of 1.  Normal termination without any errors gives an
          exit status of 0.

          Lunch  will continue to happen  for years to come, but the
          Lunch  messages will only continue until September 9, 1990,
          whereupon the  final message will be sent out.  The full Lunch
          message archives will  be available from the author at  that

          The intern t-shirts are ready  for pick-up from Raman in
          10S/1109. The  apres-Lunch visit to Raman will  be most
          convenient at  that time, and will save him from carrying 200
          t-shirts to Lunch.

          The Lunch program was  initially developed using Microsoft C
          3.0 on a PC clone manufactured by Toshiba of Japan and
          almost sold by Xerox.   However, when Xerox found out that
          non-American silicon was being used in the manufacture of
          the machine, the unions got real angry and forced Xerox to
          not sell the PCs, which in turn, forced the original
          manufacture to demand  that the unions  be changed to structs.
          After  this was achieved, the PCs were  quietly  taken home by
          employees for  permanent ``home use.''

          Special thanks are due to:

          Alice  - for the idea,  and for  other things

          Shtephahn and  Beth - for putting up with us

          Raman  - for the t-shirts

     Page 2                (printed 8/8/90)

     LUNCH(1)         XENIX System V (Aug 8, 1990)        LUNCH(1)

          Ben -  for no particular reason whatsoever, other than  to
          make this a three page manual  entry

          Edwin  Hoogerbeets

     Page 3                (printed 8/8/90)

From w-edwinh Fri Aug 24 11:54:44 1990
To: alicese camilleg davidsau ellenb jonka lauras rickdew t-aloke
    [ etc. ]
    w-simont w-stephm w-stephs w-stevek w-stever
Subject: The Rime of the Seattle Mariners

In Washington did Billy Gates
A velvet sweating-shop decree
Where Alf, the stupid muppet ran
Through nets connectionless to LAN
  Down to a sunless sea.

So twice five Megs of empty disk
With sectors and tracks were girled round:
And there were buildings bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many a code-intensive hack;

And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding rainy spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic building which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A sweaty place! as big and confusing
As e'er beneath a working disk was haunted
By woman wailing for her fix to work!

And between these buildings, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this company in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge code fragments vaulted like a code generator,
Or databases beneath the programmer's 'board:
And 'mid these dancing codes at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred message.

Five Megs meandering with a mazy motion
Through peer and server the sacred message ran,
Then reached the nets connectionless to LAN,
And ssync in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Bill heard from far
Analytical voices prophesying stock!

The shadow of the shop of sweating
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
>From the fountain and the buildings.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A rainy sweating-shop with compilers of ICE!

A damsel with a dulcimer
In building 4 once I saw:
It was a systems maid,
And on her dulcimer she played
Singing of Mount Rainier.

  Could I revive within me
  Her coding and song,
  To such a deep delight 'twould win me,

That with music loud and long,
I would build that shop at 12:30,
That rainy shop! Those compilers of ICE!

And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing screens, his debugging tool!

Wave a circle round him thrice,
And anti-alias with holy dread,
For he on mountain-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of cafeterias.

Yea, slimy players did crawl on bases
Upon the baseball field.
It is a Seattle Mariner,
And he Griffith one oh three.
And a thousand thousand slimy players
Played on; and so did I.


(See, I don't NEED any steekeen opium to get down and wierd(*))

From w-edwinh Mon Aug 27 11:52:51 1990
To: alicese camilleg davidsau ellenb jonka lauras rickdew t-anath
    [ etc. ]
    w-stevek w-stever
Subject: Unlunchthink is Pluslunchcrime!

Unlunchthink is Pluslunchcrime!
Eats prolefood at the Lunchtime.
Unlunchthink is plusungood.
Lunchthink goodthink gooder could.

Oldthink is doubleplusungood.
Oldthinkers think is plusunshould.
Crimethink, oldthink, Minilun,
These is things gooder leaves undone.

Currentwise Lunchtime is for proles,
Time that equals Lunchclock tolls.
Lunchtime is for current day,
One two col three four you may.

Plusgood is the proleful space,
Plusgooder is the good Lunchplace.
Unlunchplace is Pluslunchcrime,
Eats the proles at goodbuild nine.

Cruchwise eats the foodful Lunch,
Big Brother eats with proleful bunch.
Seewise think doubleplusgood time,
Unlunchthink is Pluslunchcrime!

Big Brother

PS. Lunchsoc think Lunchspeak limits Lunchcrime. I spit goodful on Minilun.

From w-edwinh Wed Aug 29 12:19:01 1990
To: alicese camilleg davidsau ellenb jonka lauras rickdew t-anath
    [ etc. ]
    w-johanl w-philip w-shaunb w-simont w-stephm w-stephs w-stevek
Subject: Beth Act IV Scene I

                    ACT IV

  SCENE I.-- A dark office. In the middle, a Compaq screaming.

      Thunder and Windows. Enter 3 Interns.

  l Intern. Thrice the bounded exe hath bomb'd.
  2 Intern. Thrice; and once the speaker whin'd.
  3 Intern. O/S cries: -- 'tis time, 'tis time.
  l Intern. Round about the Compaq go;
    In the poison'd C code throw.--
    Tests, that under the cold run,
    Days and nights hast thirty-one
    Swelter'd bugs sleeping got,
    Scream thou first i' the charmed thought!
  All. Double, double toil and trouble;
    Exe, run; and Compaq, bubble.
  2 Intern. Fill it with global make,
    In the Compaq code opaque;
    Pin of chip, and spin of disc,
    Run of .bat, and scream of RISC,
    Unix fork, protection ring,
    Csh script, and cold lightning, ---
    For a speed of powerful trouble,
    Like assembler boil and bubble.
  All. Double, double toil and trouble;
    Exe, run; and Compaq, bubble.
  3 Intern. Scalar chip, bit of byte,
    which is better, left or right?
    Of the ravin'd hard disk park,
    Root of dirs left on the sparc,
    Laserjet printing its spew,
    Microsoft and Biggest Blue
    Sliver'd in the big blibbits
    Cable of LAN; and random bits,
    Finger of remote account,
    Variable changed by a set, ---
    Make the project over the net:
    Add thereto a large ROMpack
    For the ingredients of our Compaq;
  All. Double, double toil and trouble;
    Exe, run; and Compaq, bubble.

          Enter Billgates

  Bil. O, well done! I commend your pains;
And every one shall share i' the gains.
    And now about the Compaq sing,
    Like elves and fairies in a ring,
    Enchanting all that you put in.


    Black stocks and white, red stocks and gray;
    Lunching, lunching, lunching, you that lunching may.
                                  [Exit Billgates.

  2 Intern. By the picking of the lunchtime,
Something wicked this way comes:---
Open, locks, whoever knocks!

          Enter Beth

  Beth. How now, you secret, black and
    midnight hags!
What is't you do?
  All.           A lunch without a time.
  Beth. I conjure you, by that which you profess,---
Howe'er you come to know it, --- answer me:
Though you go to Eight, and let them fight
Against the Novells; though the yesty waves
Confound and swallow navigation up; [down;
Though roasted chicken be lodg'd, and tree blown
Though buildings topple on their warder's heads;
Though screens and keyboards do click
Their hardware to the foundations; though the treasure
Of nature's gremlins tumble altogether,
Even till destruction sicken, --- answer me
To what I ask you.
  1 Intern.       Speak.
  2 Intern.             Demand.
  3 Intern.                    We'll answer.
  1 Intern. Say, if thou'dst rather hear it from our mounths,
Or from our masters?
  Beth.             When is thine lunch of Interns?
  1 Intern. It is but time to nest.
  2 Intern.                        A time to rest,
  3 Intern. At one is best, mistress Beth.
  Beth. Oh, okay. Seeya guys.
  All.  Okay, bye.

            Enter Billgates.

  Bil. Hey, that was a cop-out. Where's the ending?
    Hey, where's everyone going? Hey!


Bard Edwin

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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