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I am more than satisfied with my little digital watch, an Ursa Major XII
Magnochron Tempotronic Epochometer, which I inherited from my great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-(fifteen times removed)-(thirty times replaced)
sub-ultra-per-infra-grand-quasi-human-ancestor Zobingly Squangle III of Ursa
Minor MCMLXVIII, who got it for a snip (90 squillion Magellan zlotys) at
the local hyper-bazaar.  It resists liquid helium down to 25 billion parsecs;
has an alarm adjustable from .00001 femtodecibels to 18 billion megabels;
gains only 0.00000000000000023 picoseconds per cosmic cycle; makes the bed;
makes toast; has a surprisingly spacious living room with all mod cons (gas
c.h. ftd.); stores the entire contents of the Pan-Galactic Omnipaedia
(unexpurgated version); gives times for all known galactic time zones (and
some extragalactic ones); compensates automatically for time-dilation at
near light speed (the number of times THAT feature has saved my bacon!);
has only ever had one battery (operating on fusion power); folds out into
a Triton class starship with 80 luxurious berths, 100 on-board bean bags
and 500 hebephrenic cybermonads.  I once dropped it into the gravity well
of the singularity at the centre of the galaxy, and it reappeared under my
pillow (presumably via a convenient worm-hole) the very next morning with
only a microscopic scratch on the baseplate.  It has a stopwatch, timer,
television, all-band transceiver, electron microscope, Swiss Army Knife,
desktop publishing unit and potato peeler among many other features, most
of which I haven't yet tried!  It doesn't need a strap, since it is sensible
enough to hover a millimeter above my wrist until told not to.  It has 50
Open University degrees and several doctorates, most notably in Perinasal
Psychology and "Whither Quoits in the Post Iron Curtain Political Miasma?".
A charming companion at dinner parties, it dazzles and entertains with a
bewildering array of anecdotes and party tricks.  In fact, in each and
every way it is only outshone by one other entity*.

(*Me, stoopid.)

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