(original, smirk, math)

The following is an example of what pepsi and beef jerkies can do to someone's brain at 3 am :-) : {ed This piece is not for everybody, but I give favour to original pieces, so here it is.} A public service announcement TIRED of celebrating your anniversary or birthday on the SAME DAY, YEAR after YEAR? SICK of all those unwanted relatives coming over to abuse your hospitalities on such exploitable holidays as Thanksgiving, and the 4th of July? CONFUSED as to how to solve these problems? Then DO what SANE PEOPLE are doing ALL OVER the country! Celebrate PRIME-NUMBERED anniversaries!! HOW does it work? Simple. Instead of celebrating anniversaries every year, celebrate ONLY prime-numbered anniversaries (2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, etc). This new and exciting Prime-Celebration Paradigm (or PCP for short) is sweeping the country. WHY do this? Easy. As any socially competant person is aware, anniversary celebration soon becomes tiresome after the first few years. Fortunately, the primes occur fairly often during the first 10 years, commonly referred to as the "gosh-wow" years, when the concept of celebrating anniversaries is still a new and wonderful idea. But when anniversaries become as tiresome as the event they are commemorating, the beauty of the PCP technique becomes apparent -- although there is no known closed-form formula for computing the nth prime, examination of prime tables reveals that after 20 years or so, there are only 2-3 primes per decade! The prime number theorem also guarentees that the more days pass, the fewer primes occur. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The PCP technique has an interesting history. After its invention, sophisticated PCP followers cleverly extended the basic PCP technique to solve the same-day holiday dilemma. Initially, they began celebrating their events every prime-number of days since it occured, instead of every prime-number of years since its occurrence. Critics were quick to pounce on this early version of Augmented PCP (APCP) by claiming it reintroduced the same problem original PCP was designed to solve (namely, the constant celebration of anniversaries after the "gosh-wow" period). Indeed, they argued, if we celebrated events using the APCP technique, we might expect to celebrate events atleast 50 times per calendar year after the "gosh-wow" years. It did not take long for the APCP followers to develop the basic PCP technique which is presently practiced throughout the country. To combat the frequent-holiday problem of APCP, followers began celebrating events not after every prime-numbered days, but after every prime-number of prime-numbered days. This Meta APCP (MAPCP, or "mapcap") calls for celebrations after every 3, 5, 11, 17, 31, ... days. Of course, celebrations are still quite frequent, but this idea can be simply extended to MetaMeta APCP (MMAPCP, pronounced "Muh-mapcap") and MetaMetaMeta (M^3APCP, usually not pronounced), etc., thereby solving the frequent-celebration problem. For example here is a table of the first few meta-prime varieties: primes meta-primes meta-meta-primes ... meta-meta-meta-meta-primes (APCP) (MAPCP) (MMAPCP) (M^4APCP) 2 3 5 31 3 5 11 127 5 11 31 709 7 17 59 1787 11 31 127 5381 13 41 179 8527 17 59 277 15299 19 67 331 19577 . . . Of course, many factions of PCP now exist -- some follow all M^n factions for n > 2, for example. As a result, various "nicknames" have been given to these various groups. Early groups were as follows: 1) the "mapcaps", who follow only the original Meta Augmented prime-celebration paradigm (MAPCP). They are a dying, but well-respected, breed. 2) the "hard cores", who only follow MMAPCP, MMMAPCP, etc., varieties of MAPCP. Hard-cores are usually considered stubborn and anal retentive. 3) the "catholics" who follow all M^nAPCP varieties for all n. Catholics are considered pompous boobs as they do not realize that they are identical to mapcaps. 4) "choozy whoozies" are essentially a subset of the catholics, as they celebrate only a (perhaps infinite) subset of M^nAPCP varieties. Because they are an offshoot of the catholics, they are particularly ridiculed. Because they don't realize they are essentially equivalent to a hard core faction, they are frequently offered as examples of "those mapcap idiots". Rest assured that choozy whoozies are not offically accepted in the mapcap community. 5) the "hyper metas", who follow only an M^nAPCP, where n itself is prime. They are much better respected than the hard cores (of which they are subsets), since becoming a hyper meta requires a fair amount of ingenuity and cleverness. In fact, many hard cores who just happened to follow a hyper-meta variety have tried to pass themselves off as true hyper metas. There are "catholic hyper-metas" and "choozy-whoozy hyper-metas" as well, although their numbers are extremely few since choozy whoozies and catholics lack both ingenuity and cleverness. The newest category which has been added to the PCP arsenal is the technique of "importance shading" for various M^nAPCP holidays for different values of n. Invented by catholics and choozy-whoozies who disliked being labelled as "idiots", the importance shading (IS) technique has found wide acceptance in the PCP community. As a simple example, consider an IS mapcap. Although all meta-prime days of an event are celebrated, those days that are also meta-meta or meta-meta-meta primes might be particularly celebrated (for example, on a meta-meta holiday an IS mapcap might be prompted to take a day off work, while on a meta-meta- meta holiday, he or she might wish to take a long weekend and actually invite guests over.) By incorprorating IS techniques, the catholics and choozy whoozies have managed to save some face. An IS catholic, for example, can distinguish himself from a mapcap or even an IS mapcap simply by attaching different importances to various M^nAPCP holidays. Moreover, many choozy-whoozies are simply thrilled by the IS concept, but few have been able to implement it properly. As a result of its widespread appeal and capability to support originality, over 90% of all PCP followers consider themselves affiliated with an IS variety. The other 10% stick with the early groups mentioned above. Having understood PCP and its subtle intricacies, we may now give several examples of its use in combatting the problems mentioned at the beginning of this public service announcement. We shall give somewhat arbitrary examples to show how arbitrary factions might deal with some problems. We hope that these examples will demonstrate the flexibility of the PCP approach. Problem 1 -- annual holiday celebration. What a pedestrian way to celebrate an important event in one's life. How would an IS mapcap solve the problem? He or she might choose to ignore meta-primes beginning with an odd digit, for example. Thus, event celebration might occur after 41, 67, 83, 211, 241, ... days. Note the convenient absence of 3xx (particularly any meta-prime near 365) in this brilliant scheme, thereby insuring that celebrations will never occur anywhere near 1-year apart. Problem 2 -- abusive, unwanted relatives. The solution to this agonizing problem can be attacked along the lines of problem 1 above. For variety's sake assume we are dealing with a hardcore M^4APCP couple, who have deftly decided to apply this scheme to their wedding anniversary. Neither can stand Aunt Elda and Uncle Bob, so instead of humiliating them by not inviting them to their anniversary (after all, Elda and Bob mean well, it's just that they are extremely annoying), they invite them to their 10th meta-meta-meta-meta anniversary, and furthermore tell Elda and Bob that they are the ONLY ONES invited to this glorious occasion. Of course, this is somewhere between their 115th and 120th year of marriage. Such techniques can be applied more frivolously, for example, by inviting complete strangers to one's golden meta-meta-meta-meta anniversary, or applied simply to confuse, as when one sends an invitation to a 5th hyper-silver-meta-hyper-meta-golden birthday party, (whenever that may be). It is hoped the above examples serve to demonstrate the flexible nature of PCP paradigms, and motivite the reader into adopting a PCP variety. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- End of Public Service Announcement

(From the "Rest" of RHF)