[ In rec.humor.unfunny, they had a contest to collect all the phrases for saying, "he's not playing with a full deck." Here is the collection. ]
0K memory 1 cylinder mind 12 shy of a dozen A bad spot on the disk. A couple of open splices. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few bits shy of a word. A few bricks shy of a load. A few cans short of a six pack. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. A little light in his loafers. A loose chip on the micro processor. A quart low. About as bright as an LED. About as sharp as a bowl of jello. About as sharp as a bowling ball. About as sharp as a sack of wet leather. About fifteen cents short. About three cents short of a dollar. Air between the ears. All booster - no payload. All crown - no filling. All his eggs in the same basket. All his marbles in one bag. All the lights don't shine in his marquis An 8080 in a 68000 environment As thick as two short planks. Attic's a little dusty. Back burners not fully operating. Bad spot on the disk. Banking at 9 a.m. (not meaningful since advent of ATMs) Bats in the belfry Been playing with his wand too much. Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel Braindamaged (courtesy of Bill Cosby, Himself) Braindead CPU not connected to the bus. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat. Crazy as a loon. Crazy as all get out. Doesn't have all his dogs barking. Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice. Doesn't have both oars in the water. Doesn't know if his biscuits (bread) are (is) all done. Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on. Don't have all your dogs barking. Dosen't have enough sandwiches for a picnic. Driving with two wheels in the sand. Dumb as a box of rocks. Echoes between the ears. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Elevator doesn't go to the top floor. Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse. Got a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle. Got a screw loose. Got one boot stuck in the sand. Got the mental agility of a soap dish. Had a head crash. Half a brick short of a full load. Half a bubble off plumb. Half a quart low. Has a few screws loose. Has a mind like a sieve Has a room temperature IQ. Has bats in his/her belfry. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard. Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain. Hasn't got enough sense to stay out in the rain. ('60s flower child) He ain't wrapped too tight. He doesn't have both oars in the water. He has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat! He has signs on both ears saying Space for Rent He has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it. He is only hitting on 7 cylinders. He is playing hockey with a warped puck He isn't playing with a full deck. He left the store without all of his groceries. He lost his trollies He parked his head and forgot where he left it. He's a a few bricks short of a full load He's a couple of bricks short of a hod. He's a couple of volts below threshold He's about a half a bubble off plumb. He's about as smart as bait... He's dumber than a red brick. He's flying on one engine. He's got a few wait states. He's got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled He's got a mind like a steel trap--full of mice. He's got a mind like a steel trap--rusty and stuck closed. He's got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit. He's half a bubble off plumb He's not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us! He's not running on full thrusters. He's paged-out. He's reading off a empty disk He's running at 400 baud He's swapped out. He's two tacos short of a combination plate. He's working with an unformatted disk Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His chimney's clogged. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. His elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse. His elevator doesn't make it to the top floor His elevator doesn't stop at every floor. His elevator is stuck between floors. His little red choo choo done jumped the track. His receiver is off the hook. His skylight leaks a little. His/her dialing thumb must be broken. His/her reset line is glitching. How 'bout There's no wind in the windmills of his mind. and Someone How about The porch light is on, but there's nobody home If (his/her) IQ was 2 points higher (he/she) would be a rock. If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his hat off. If brains were dynamite, he/she wouldn't have enough to blow his/her nose. If he had another brain, it'd be lonely. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week. In a world of Hard Disks, he/she is using a 1S-2D floppy for brains. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department. Isn't playing with a full deck. It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing! Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," s/he's practically invulnerable. Leads 3 & 4 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground. Light not buring too bright. Lights are on but noone's home Looney tunes. Loony as a jay bird. Loose chip in the micro processor. Loose wire to headset/ringer. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Mainspring's wound too tight. Missing a few catalog cards. Missing a few gears. Missing a few marbles. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Nice house not much furniture. Nice house, but nobody home. Nice house, nobody home. Nine pence in the shilling. No one at the throttle. Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders. Not firing on all thrusters.. Not hitting on all cylinders. Not playing with a full deck. Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game! Not too tightly wrapped. Nothing between the stethoscopes. Nutty as a fruitcake Off his/her rocker. Off your rocker. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick On the batting end of a no-hitter. One brick shy of a load. One shingle shy a roof. Only got one oar in the water. Only operating at about half a watt. Only playing with 51 cards. Only playing with the jokers. Over the Rainbow Paddling with one oar. Paralyzed from the neck up. Pin 8 is floating. Playing hockey with a warped puck. Raw cookie dough. Renewable energy source for hot air ballons. Riding a tippy canoe. Running on empty. Sailboat fuel for brains. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong. Sharp as a bowling ball. She was minus so many buttons ... Short a few cards. Six bricks short of a full load. Six shy of a dozen. Skating on the wrong side of the ice. Some bugs in his software. Some drink form the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy! Someone blew out his pilot light Surfing in Nebraska Teflon brain (nothing sticks) The best part of you ran down your mother's legs. (Jackie Gleason) The brains of a house plant The caboose seems to be pulling the engine. The carnival has closed. The cheese has slid off his cracker. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. The going got weird and he turned pro. The lights are on but nobody's home. The smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney. The synapses are about that far apart. There's a leak in his ceiling Thick as a brick. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Toys in the attic Two bits shy of a word. Vacancy on the top floor. Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains. Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts. Welcome light on, but noone home. When he plays poker, it's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether. You can hear the wind wistling through his ears. You probably like to do everything the hard way... like making love while standing up in a hammock. Your clock doesn't have all its numbers. Your little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.
email@example.com John J. Mullen