[Ed: A good issue with an above average number of acceptable bits ]
NutWorks Electronic Humor Magazine.
Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
Special Valentine's Day Issue!
NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
"Shower the people you love with love."
"Shower with the people you love."
Lover's Quiz #1
by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
(Dave got paid a lot more, though)
Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score yourself as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for each C, and 10 points for each D.
1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing to spend? A. Guest meal at campus dining services B. $5.00 for a few slices C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops D. The price of your physics textbook
2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first course of action is to: A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation B. Use one of your favorite lines C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag him/her back to your friend's single
3. Your definition of "blue balls" is: A. A solid and a stripe in billiards B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag C. A painful need for a cold shower D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics textbook
4. If she says, "no" she means: A. No B. Probably not C. Yes D. She's gagged and can't answer
5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment A. 0-10 B. 11-14 C. 15-19 D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card
6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day: A. 2 min. B. 4 min. C. 6 min. D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics
7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day A. 2-5 min. B. 5-7 min. C. 7-10 min. D. Fall asleep with it
8. Qualifications for your blind date: A. No imperfections B. No boy/girlfriend C. No particular desire to be seen with you D. No sarcoma
9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date: A. Sunsets B. Bork C. How he/she's doing D. Robotics
10. Typical conclusion to blind date: A. Bought a futon together B. Got phone number C. Lost him/her in crowd D. Temporary restraining order
Results: 10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte). 21-40 Things could be better. 41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions. 61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.
How to Get a Date
by the Jabberwock <PM107>
submitted by JRP
How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice
First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.
Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.
Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a message for so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and collect it sometime.
DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring. A photo of a stunning individual by the bed. The presence of a stunning individual in the bed. A very rapid ushering out of the room. Phrases such as, "Get lost, you pervert!"
GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit. A return visit armed with red rose.
As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic, which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room with the same number of limbs as you went in with is, "Do you come here often?" It is the target's room after all.
Lover's Quiz #2
A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibility. Section One is for women, Section Two for men.
Section One (Women):
1. When on a date, I like to go: A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5) B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for a few drinks (+10) C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)
2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit: A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5) B) next to my date (+10) C) on my date's lap (+15)
3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I: A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that kind of girl (-5) B) move cautiously closer to him (+5) C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled evening (+15)
4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I: A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5) B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0) C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled evening (+15)
5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I: A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home to ask permission from my mom (-10) B) consider his motives and accept if I find them within the realm of my morals (+10) C) consider his performance and accept if he played three or more encores (+20)
Scoring for Women:
-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldn't get a date if you paid for one. You should consider interspecies dates as your only available option for romance.
15 TO 65 POINTS: You're interested in men but are either too shy or emotionally unstable. A Valentine's date for you is a horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping. Relax. It's just an innocent date. Trust me!
70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts kinky but don't think twice about wearing black leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained partner into submission. There's nothing I could teach you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me with your best shot!
Section Two (Men):
1. When on a date, I like to go: A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5) B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5) C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)
2. When I pick her up, I: A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10) B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5) C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)
3. My dates usually say: A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10) B) "Wake up, dammit! I'm not through yet!" (-5) C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)
4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I: A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10) B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I had (even if I didn't) (+5) C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)
5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I: A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5) B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she kissed on the first one (+5) C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)
Scoring for Men:
-25 TO 10 POINTS: You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's. Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of your mother. Do yourself and the world a favor: commit yourself to Depo-Provera treatments and become an accountant. 15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what any woman could possibly see in you. Good point. It's not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort, you too could soon be on your way to successful dating. 65 TO 100 POINTS: You're a man of the world who is well versed in the art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and you're not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women around you. You'll make an excellent Valentine date for any mature woman.
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