We're sorry that you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our sympathy, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We're sorry that your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35 year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to consider purchasing some surplus 1950's era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan. (Who just replaced all theirs with shiny new F-16's)
We're sorry that you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please take note of the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)
We're sorry that you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know that it may seem easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in the Republic of China (Taiwan).
We're especially sorry for treating you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a common untrustworthy street gang very soon.
We're very sorry for ever granting you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity.
The United States of America
[Note - making the rounds, unattributed - ed.]