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Election 3000 Debate

artc@execpc.com (Andrew Thomas-Cramer)
(topical, chuckle, original)


Moderator:
"Welcome to the presidential debate for the year 3000. This year's
contenders for the presidential race are Han Solo and the
captain du jour of the Deathstar. Third-party candidates
Luke Skywalker and Jabba the Hut have been excluded from the debate.

   Current poll numbers are: 
     Deathstar captain: 47%  
              Han Solo: 46% 
        Luke Skywalker:  5% 
         Jabba the Hut:  1%" 


HS: "The captain will blow up your planet." DC: "You're just trying to scare people. Trust me." HS: "It's in your plan! 'January 2, 3000: destroy planet Epsilon Iridani IV.'" DC: "No it's not." HS: "It's on your hyperweb! Just go and look! And it says 'Appoint Darth Vader to Supreme Court.'" DC: "No it doesn't. You're just trying to scare people. Trust me." HS: "Also in your plan, it says you're going to give young people a thousand credits a year retirement benefit. Where is the money coming from?" DC: "Moderator, he's asking me questions I can't answer. That's not fair! (Whine! Whine!)" HS: "A thousand credits a year for 42 trillion young people in the galaxy ... that's 42 quadrillion credits a year." DC: "That's fuzzy math. I'm beginning to believe Han Solo invented mathematics." HS: "You're promising a vapor thousand, and I've got fuzzy math?" DC: "I'm glad you admit to it. I should also point out that ten cycles ago you made a mistake while dividing up a dinner tab. I expect my Deathstar support team to harp on that incessantly for several weeks." HS: "Yes, that was an error, and I'm sorry about that." DC: "I think that shows a pattern. We need to bring honesty back to the presidency." HS: "You're the captain of the *Deathstar*!" DC: "And proud of it! The crew of the Deathstar gave me their trust to lead them on our missions of medical mercy." HS: "I think we can find a better means of distributing medical assistance than the *Deathstar*!" DC: "Clearly, my opponent wants to unleash hordes of government bureaucrats." HS: "Let's see, government bureaucrats ... Deathstar bureaucrats ... government bureaucrats ... Deathstar bureaucrats ... I can see how you would prefer the latter." DC: "I'm glad you agree. We need to move decision-making out of Earth, and closer to the people. The Deathstar can get very close." HS: "I was being sarcastic." DC: "Is that one of those high-school debating tricks?" HS: "Um, let's move on. Your environmental record as captain of the Deathstar is abhorrent." DC: "No it's not. You're just trying to scare people." HS: "You destroy whole planets! How could you have a worse environmental record than that?" DC: "You can cite all the 'facts' and 'figures' you want. I stand by my environmental record as captain of the Deathstar." HS: "If I'm elected president, I'll sign a bill outlawing the Deathstar as my first act." DC: "That's the difference between my opponent and me. He trusts the government. I trust you." HS: "I trust the galaxy's people. I just don't trust the Deathstar."

Moderator: "And now for concluding remarks..."

HS: "My opponent is a smiling moron with a plan for galactic pillage that he doesn't even understand. What kind of idiots would vote for him?" DC: "We need to avoid the partisanship of the past. Vote a straight Deathstar ticket."


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