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More from the One-liner Digest (Funny Guy)
(smirk, swearing, sexual, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

What follows are the latest entries in the one-liner file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

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>Subject: astronauts & excrement

On the Space Shuttle, astronauts often have difficulties with constipation.
Besides this, they have to seal up their wastes for return to Earth. In
other words, they do what they can, and they can what they do.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Michael Klein)
>Subject: Seeing eye to eye

Hear about the guy who broke up with his girlfriend, who has a lazy eye?
Says she was seeing someone on the side.

= = = = = = =
>From: (High Point)
>Subject: Joke

What's the difference between a golf ball and the g spot?

A man will spend a half hour looking for a golf ball.

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>From: (Nicolai Leon Moser)
>Subject: What they say vs. what they mean

When Microsoft says, "Where do you want to go today?" they really mean
"Let us take you for a ride."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Dan Harris-Warrick)
>Subject: Wives and Jobs

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

The job still sucks after ten years.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Terry Morgan)
>Subject: Science Takes a Look in the Mirror...

I recenly heard that scientists have isolated the gene that makes
scientists want to isolate genes.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Dick Hendrickson)
>Subject: Jesse as a 38DD

Jesse Ventura has been widely quoted in his Playboy magazine
interview saying that "he'd like to be reincarnated as a
38DD bra." That's because he's already the biggest boob in

= = = = = = =
>From: (Brad Kozak)
>Subject: The Ultimate Minimalist Sick-Humor Animal Joke

Heard on Kevin McCarthy's Joke & Talent Hour on KLIF 570AM radio in Dallas:

"A baby seal walks into a club..."

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>From: (Fred Wamsley)
>Subject: Great moments in advertising


I couldn't help noticing the latest road signs advertising a diet plan:
"I lost 40 pounds in two weeks. Free Samples!"

Talk about "unwanted pounds."

= = = = = = =
>From: (John R Levine)
>Subject: Life as a superhero

Q. What's the difference between Batman and Bill Gates?

A. When Batman fought the Penguin, he won.

[Loosely translated from a version found in a spam "newsletter" in French,
only the French version had to explain who Batman, the Penguin, and Bill
Gates were.]

= = = = = = =
>From: (SAM C Luke)
>Subject: What Men Do Not Know

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's
ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological
study, it appears that most men do not realize that
in this fantasy, one is cooking and the other is

= = = = = = =
>From: (Alex Brown)
>Subject: Cricket

In a shock move, England cricket selectors have called up Paula Yates
as the new team coach. Outgoing coach David Lloyd said, "Her experience
of fucking Australians and bringing home the ashes will be invaluable."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Chris Andrews)
>Organization: Oberlin College
>Subject: Pedophile

You know you're sick if you prefer twenty five year olds to
twenty-five year olds.

= = = = = = =
>From: thoma041@Census.GOV (Robert Thomas)
>Organization: U.S. Census Bureau
>Subject: WVA Gov's mansion

News flash!

The West Virginia Governers mansion just burned down.... all the way to
the axels.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Reinke, Paul)
>Subject: Payne Stewart Flight Simulator

Original from a work acquaintance (my Manager actually - Neil Winters):

The New Payne Stewart Flight Simulator:

Only runs on autopilot
Screen goes blank soon after take off
Runs for 4 hours then crashes.

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>From: (Mark Osbourne)
>Subject: James Bond and Visa

In the new James Bond movie "The World is not Enough," Bond pulls out a
Visa card that turns into a lock pick.

Gives a new meaning to "Visa: it's everywhere you want to be" doesn't it?

= = = = = = =
>From: (Demetri Ojeda)
>Subject: Dyslexia Awareness Campaign

A couple of years ago, two co-workers and myself were having lunch and
discussing dyslexia. One of them mentioned you don't hear alot of public
awareness about the disease. My response was 'Just Say On.'

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>From: (=?iso-8859-1?q?Graham=20Pearson?=)
>Subject: Riverdance

Why do Irish dancers dance with their hands by their

Because their arms have been decommissioned.

(Told by a folk group called Yard Of Ale.)

= = = = = = =
>Subject: "the funnuest joke in the world"

"Why do elephants drink?"

"To forget"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Tony Lima)
>Subject: Moving day

"Yesterday Hillary Clinton and first husband Bill did
something most people in Arkansas can only dream about--
moved into a house without wheels." - Jon Stewart, "The
Daily Show" January 6

= = = = = = =
>From: (Dave English)
>Subject: Vague memory

Just overheard today in our office -

Tony: "I vaguely remember that you said ..."

Paul: "You have a better vague memory that I have!"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Herby =?iso-8859-1?Q?H=F6nigsperger?=)
>Organization: The HMVH Corporation BBS
>Subject: #519: 01/01/00 - Quote of the millennium

During CNN's nauseating coverage of the 2000 celebrations, the following
interview was broadcast from London.

Interviewer:- "So, what are you going to be doing this Millennium?"
Man in street:- "Not much - I'm going to be dead for most of it..."

= = = = = = =
>From: (cameron)

I was watching CNN tonight and they had on Michael Graham a radio
personallity from South Carolina. He said, " I've lived in the Bronx and
in Brooklyn, New York and the only difference between Brimingham Alabama
is that they can't fit gun racks in the back of a Trans Am."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Tim Krajcar)
>Subject: Scotty = Father

So, James Doohan is becoming a father, at age 80.

So much for "I cannae do it Cap'n, I don't have the power!"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Sam Needham)
>Organization: Diablo Valley College
>Subject: Quite contrary

My wife and I were discussing our 5-year-old daughter Rosie and at one point I
described her as "contrary." Rosie spoke up:

"I know what contrary means!"

Curious, I asked her what "contrary" meant.

"I'm not going to tell you!"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Scott Cramer)
>Subject: Retirement Plans

Now that he has dropped out of the Presidential primary race, Dan Quayle
plans to devote the next few months to writing an unauthorized

= = = = = = =
>From: (J E H Shaw)
>Subject: Super Tuesday aftermath

Bush and Gore. Obviously American politics is having a bad period.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Das Miller)
>Organization: AOL
>Subject: Office Observation

Lawyers have the most despised profession only because the people who make
copiers keep a low profile.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Dave Aronson)
>Subject: Cyber-Terrorist
>Organization: National Capital Area FidoNet Net 109 Gateway

After much careful detective work, the FBI has determined that the recent
"distributed denial-of-service" attacks were perpetrated by the well-known
anti-American exiled Saudi-Arabian millionaire cyber-terrorist...

= = = = = = =
>From: (Gregg Woodcock)
>Subject: Biology geek pun

After contemplating a vasectomy for some time, the following pun came to me:

Q: What's the difference between the epididymis and the urethra?
A: I don't remember all the details but there's definitely a vas
defrens between them.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Steve Simmons)
>Subject: The Modern Trinity of Lies

We were digging thru a problem at work. On reading the documentation
and the comparing the example to reality, I was heard to mutter:

``There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and manuals.''

= = = = = = =
>From: (hrdlicka)
>Subject: But Was It Good For Me?

Heard from my friend Tim
Did you hear about the new drug Ginkgo-Viagra? You remember what the
f@#k you did the night before.

>Subject: PKzip Founder Dies
>From: (Rob Marks)

AP reported that Phil Katz, developer of the popular PKZip software
compression utility died recently. I wonder if he will be buried in a
really small coffin?

= = = = = = =
>From: (Seals)
>Subject: Trout with an empty glass

Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving
his empty glass in the air. The head waiter turns to another waiter
and says, "I think there's a fish out of water."


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